abuse & forgiveness in the church

The Church of England has been going through a very public moment of repentance over past failings with regard to its care of survivors of sexual abuse.

The Independent Inquiry into Child Sex Abuse (IICSA) has been widely reported in the church press. The Archbishop of Canterbury has said he was "ashamed" of the church's response. But some are pushing back at this inquiry and at the official line being taken.

This week, the Church Times features a piece by a former offender which asks - can offenders ever hope for support and trust in the church? Are they suddenly unredeemable people?  Linda Woodhead seizes on similar ground, pointing out that the Anglican church's theology of forgiveness seems to be struggling with the weight of real-world problems.

I have no knowledge of and no expertise in child sexual abuse. But the questions raised by these two pieces look very familiar to me. They look very familiar because I'm a gay vicar and therefore I come across several of the issues raised here frequently.

1. In Anglican terms, the church gets defined as "the ordained" far too often. There is a clericalism that is insidious and frightening - Justin Welby calls it "insanity". Mad it may be - but it's everywhere. I listen to lay people leading prayers in a Communion service, and when they pray for the church, they pray for their bishop, their vicar, other clergy and all in leadership. And (all too often) that's it. Those who pray for the wider church pray for other bishops and other clergy. No-one else gets a look in. But clergy are just the support staff; ordinary people in the pew are the cutting edge of the church, and we hardly ever pray for them... What that means in this context is - people who are abused by clergy are going to get a rough ride; the whole church is designed in its thinking to support people with dog collars.

2. Sex is acceptable in a straight marriage and nowhere else. Any other sexual desire or practice or experience is instantly (by official doctrine) sinful. My opinion on this as a gay person is a matter of record, but here the problem with this is that abuse sufferers are left feeling sinful, and not able to ask for help. Another is that, coupled with the observation above, someone who suffers abuse from a clergy person suffers a double whammy - they feel guilt for questioning the church (in the person of that cleric) and guilt for experiencing sex that wasn't within marriage. And where is the support for them? The Church Times reports some sufferers' cases. They are appalling to read.

3. Anyone who questions what is acceptable is pushed away (as sufferers report to the IICSA). New Safeguarding Measures come into force regularly. They are there to 'protect' - but isn't the church is a place to heal the wounded, not just to protect? I am so grateful for those people who have seen me in my questioning and not pushed me away, even when my questions have been beyond the acceptable. I am enormously pained by those who have been scared of my questions and have placed a little distance between us. And for me, the issue has normally been simply that I am gay. It's been about who I am, not about anything that has happened to me. In my experience as a parish priest I have had folk come to me who have been turned away by others, because their questions didn't fit.

Through it all, the fundamental problem it seems to me is this: the Church is taking its lead on this, one of the great moral issues of our day, from secular society. We are not leading. We are following.

Whether it is in Jeremy Corbyn's abysmal attempts to deal with anti-Semitism, or the Australian Cricket Team's cheating scandal, one thing that ought to be very clear to anyone is this: the secular world doesn't really know how to handle sin and forgiveness. So it's totally beyond me why the Church seems to look at the world and say - "ooh, that's very good, let's take our lead from that!"

Are we scared?
Have we forgotten what we are about?
Do we not know who we follow any more?

I read an article in the Guardian about why the gay community hasn't had a #MeToo moment. Basically, because it is scared - scared that it is too flawed and broken to get away with it. Trying to stand up publicly will reveal all its brokenness. Things are changing, but until too recently everything had to be done secretly. That's one sure way to mess people up.

The 'gay community' may well be broken. The author of that Guardian article postulates why, without really offering any solutions.

But the Church, even when broken, should own up, apologise, and get on with healing both itself and the world anyway. Why? How?

I said a while back I had no knowledge of or expertise in child abuse. I don't. But take the word 'child' out of that sentence... #MeToo. For goodness' sake, I'm a middle-aged gay man who spent far too long hiding in order to survive in the church. That made me very vulnerable. Needing to be invisible put me at risk. Of course I could tell some stories, some of them grimly funny, some of them just grim.

Yet here's the thing - this is the story I have learned to tell. By grace, and kindness, and with a theology that tells me God loves all people (and that no-one is beyond his grace and kindness, there are no second class people) I have learned that in following Jesus I have found a faith where there is one Victim and many more-than-conquerors.

So to go back to those questions I raised earlier (I said they were familiar to me: they are; I hope they are to you, and so are my responses to them) -

1. The church is everyone. I'm a vicar, so I have been given a role to play, but I'm no more important here than anyone else. Everyone matters to God. We are a family and everyone is important. Everyone is loved.

2. Marriage and family are gifts of God to be honoured by everyone. But life comes and does stuff to you, and no-one gets ostracised or made to feel different because of that. Everyone is loved and everyone matters. We are a family. People are people. Especially, no-one is sinful because of what someone else did to them: rather everyone is welcome because of what One did for us.

3. Of course we have ways of doing things and understanding things that are "acceptable" - but please question them. You will probably make life better for everyone. We are here to heal the wounded, bind up the broken-hearted, raise the fallen. If life is perfect for you right now - great, please come and join us, but you will be working hard serving others!

I'm not arguing that 'safeguarding standards' should be thrown out and disregarded. I am with those arguing that for the Kingdom of God, there should be a far higher expectation. A desire to do better. Settling for a secular understanding of failure and unforgiveness is failure indeed. And just because the church has spectacularly failed on these issues is no cause to throw in the towel and not try for better.

We must aim higher. I'm with those arguing for this.

I can't speak for everyone. But I will speak for me. This is the beginning of what
I want to hear:
If you are vulnerable, come and join us. We will do our best to provide a safe haven for you. We may fail - we're just people like you, trying to follow Jesus - but if we do fail, we'll face up to it together and do everything we can to heal whatever wounds life brings. You are enormously valuable to God and that means to us too.
And if you are a sinner, come and join us. We will do our best to provide a safe haven for you. We may fail - we're just people like you, trying to follow Jesus - but if we do fail, or if you fail, we won't abandon you. You too are enormously valuable to God and that means to us too.

Love everyone. Forgive as you have been forgiven. Practice hospitality.

We all read the papers, the internet, hear the news on the radio and the TV, but these things shouldn't tell us how to lead our lives. We have a better source and a far greater hope than that.